To effectively deal with anger, it’s useful to process the primary emotions which drive it. A man who has internalised this belief may respond to the primary emotion of sadness with anger. An example is the statement, “boys don’t cry”. Secondary emotions can be seen as learned behaviours, usually from family and society. Secondary emotions occur as the result of the reaction to the primary emotion.

Primary emotions are already present at birth and are experienced first in any given situation. Noticing these thinking patterns without getting carried away by them can help you manage your anger.

Overgeneralizing: Seeing the world and other people in all-or-nothing terms, e.g., “You always do that and it’s so annoying!”.Blaming: Blaming other people rather than acknowledging your own role in the situation, e.g., “What happened was all her fault!”.Catastrophizing: Making a mountain out of a molehill and assuming the worst-case scenario, e.g., “The train is running late – the whole day is probably ruined now!”.Studies suggest that the feeling of anger is often influenced by the thinking pattern a person has about a situation.Įxamples of thinking patterns that feed anger include catastrophizing, blaming and overgeneralizing. Next time you feel your anger levels rising, practice tuning into your body and seeing what you notice. Recognizing and understanding these signs helps with successful anger management. People often say that their anger “just seems to come out of nowhere”, when in fact there are several physical warning signs that anger is rising. Once you become more familiar with your triggers, you’ll be better prepared to deal with them. Over time, you can note the emotions, people, places and situations that predispose you to losing your cool. If you use an Anger Log regularly, your anger triggers will eventually become clearer. Although anger is what we see on the surface, there’s often a range of emotions hidden underneath. The Anger Iceberg represents this psychological phenomenon. Whereas anger provides us with a surge of energy and can help us feel powerful, fear and sadness are more difficult for us to sit with and express. It’s thought that we subconsciously shift into anger to protect ourselves from more vulnerable, uncomfortable emotions such as fear and sadness. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the time.” - Lori GottliebĪnger is often referred to as a secondary emotion. But often it’s only the tip of the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged feelings you either weren’t aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness, envy, loneliness, insecurity. “Anger is the go-to feeling for most people because it’s outward-directed - angrily blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious.

Blank anger iceberg